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The Happy Bunny Sith Apprentice Competition

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Background

Devised by Darth Meeen as a way to avoid having to hurt anyone's feelings by denying their Sith Apprentice application, The Happy Bunny Sith Apprentice Competition was a popular holonet program.  Viewers txtd their votes for Darth Meeen's next Sith Apprentice.  There were 15 contestants, and 14 competitions.  In the end, only one person could be the next Sith Apprentice.  Although it would seem foolhardy to have such a show when the Sith were keeping their own existence secret, Meeen was aware that the Jedi Order were too fat, drunk, and sleepy from their huge Life Day dinner and celebration, that they wouldn't even be aware of what was going on.  Meen knew from his experiences breeding cute bunnies that the growing Dark Side influence in the Galaxy would help confuse the Jedi.  Meeen also took the additional precaution of holding the competion on a cloudy day, making it more difficult for the Jedi to see what was going on.   In fact, phone records show that at least 2 members of the Jedi Council used their cell phones to txt in votes.  

Contestants

Darth Linnt

Darth Cacapoopoopeepeeshire

Darth Cushypillow

Darth 187

Darth Yacht

Darth Weezy

Darth Spork

Darth Darth

Darth Tastic

Darth Crotchulence

Darth Staatic

Darth Nibbler

Darth :)

Darth Beyotch

Darth ChuckMc

Competition 

Origami Death

Darth darth origami

Darth Darth's nice jawa jedi origami.

In the first competition, contestants had to create a piece of Origami that was both beautiful and deadly.  Each would-be apprentice was given 3 sheets of colored paper, and were locked in a room for 15 minutes.  The task was complicated by the fact that each room was filled with 100 bunnies, and the contestant was strapped into a carrot suit.  One rule was that no bunny could be harmed.

The claustraphobic Darth Linnt was immediately disqualified because he refused to enter his room.  This made it easier for the rest of the contestants, who nevertheless struggled to complete the task in order to earn points with the voting public.  Of note, Darth Beyotch created a Corusca Gem, which was sharp enough to fatally impale one of the door guards.  Also, Darth Crotchulence created a pair of comfortable shorts, which he then used to strangle his door guard.

Spelling Bee

Darth Cacapoopoopeepeeshire was eliminated in the first round when asked to spell his own name.  The actual winner of this task was Darth Nibbler, who correctly spelled powerbottom but was nearly ejected when he tried to punch the judge after asking for a definition.

Long Distance Choke Off

Darth Cushypillow was voted off when all he could do was make himself slightly short of breath.  Darth Yacht wowed viewers with his ability to choke someone via holonet, who was on a planet 114 light years away.  (Later it was discovered this was a hoax by Yacht and his friend, Eddie Areola.)  A bit of a bruhaha erupted when Darth :)  and Darth Staatic tried to choke each other.

Lightsaber DesignStar

A cornerstone of all Sith training is building your own lightsaber.  Contestants spent several days designing their ultimate hilt.  The worst one was by Darth 187.  He attempted to create a lightsaber that emanated in a globe of light from the core-hilt.  Predictably, Darth 187 mauled himself when activating it for the first time, as it was difficult to hold without slicing your own body into multiple parts.   

Water Balloon Combat

For this competition, the remaining contestants were formed into 2 teams.  Each team was given a large number of water ballons.  The team that scored the most direct hits on their opponents would be the winner.  The losing team was dropped into a rancor pit.  The first contestant eaten by the Rancor was eliminated from the competition.  Apparently, Darth Yacht was very tasty.

Lightsaber Ice Dance Competition

In one of the more popular competitions, Darth Weezy was tragically killed when he lost control of his double-bladed lightsaber while performing a triple salchow.  Darth Crotchulence truly excelled during his performance, which he did to the song "Da DAAAAA, da da da DAAAAAAAA da, da da da DAAAAAAA da, da da da dum" by John Williams.   The voting public was a little put out by Darth ChuckMc's wardrobe malfunction, but he survived the competition.

Best Sithly Deformity/Injury

Darth tastic

Darth Tastic's paper bag protects the public from his horribly disfigured face.

In a close race, voters gave the boot to Darth Spork, who's Sithly Deformity was a mild lazy eye.  Darth :) ran away with the competition because of the large penis growing out of his forehead, which he decorated with creepy red and black tattoos.  Also impressive was Darth Tastic's, who's entire face had been melted off in a tragic Arby's curly fry grease fire when he was a teenager.  His face was covered with a paper bag.   Darth Beyotch had no anus, so he carried around a colostomy bag.  It was more gross than frightening, but he survived to the next task.

Beast Mind Control

The Witches of Dathomir, (who were real bitches), had mastered control over Rancors.  This competition pitted the contestants against each other to determine who could better master control over a womprat.  Results varied, but voters were unimpressed by Darth Darth, who commanded his womprat to attack and maul Darth Beyotch, but instead, the womprat simply farted and then took a nap.   One standout performance was Darth Crotchulence, who actually got his womprat to perform a rusty trombone.

Sith Robe Runway

Sith runway

Darth Staatic's winning entry in the Sith Robe competition.

Unfortunately, Darth Tastic was not a fantastic fashion designer.  His attempt to create a stylish but functional Sith jock strap that transformed into a ferret cage was soundly panned by the voting public.  Darth Beyotch's design was surprising in its simplicity, as it added a drawstring to the hood of an otherwise traditional sith robe, which was nice on cold nights.   But Darth Staatic was the runaway favorite with his very sexy design.  It wasn't practical, but the fans loved it.

Sith Speeder 500

The remaining 6 contestants were given Sith Speeders, and raced 500 laps around a circular race course.  The race started out fine, but after about 6 laps, Darth Crotchulence stopped his speeder, tossed his helmet aside and said, "What the hell kind of mindless, wife-beating, redneck crap is this?  Driving around in a circle for 500 miles? A nerf could do this!  I'm outta here."  The race was immediately halted.  Although he lost and was kicked off the show, everyone was grateful to Crotchulence for having been spared hours of mind-numbing nonsense.

Sith Lightning Show

Sith lightning

Darth :)'s impressive Sith Lightning, which killed several people in the audience.

You'd think Darth Staatic was a shoe-in for this competition, eh?  Well, you'd be wrong.  The best Staatic could do was rub his socks on a carpet real fast, and make a barely visible spark.  In a last ditch effort, he reached over and touched Darth :) on the arm.  :) was not pleased, and decided to unleash his lightning fury on Darth Staatic's ass for the winning performance.

Stand up Comedy

In retrospect, this was an ill-conceived competition.  None of the contestants were funny, but the audience apparently liked :)'s forehead penis.  They were less impressed with Darth Nibbler's third nipple.  

Swimsuit Competition (Cancelled and replaced with Best Bunny Outfit)  

Sith bunny

Darth ChuckMc's super cute bunny costume.

Darth Meeen intervened here.  Althouh he had no problem with swimsuits, he really liked Bunnies.  The clear winner was Darth ChuckMc's portrayal as the cutest bunny ever. A distant second was Darth Beyotch with his excellent Fanged Rabbit of Caerbannog costume.  Darth :) accidentally wore a krayt dragon costume, so his long run was over.  What a moron, eh?

Final Event: Guess the number of jellybeans in the jar

Incredibly, the two remaining contestants guessed numbers that were both off by 10. Darth ChuckMc guessed 1128. The crowd urged Darth Beyotch to pick 1129, but the pressure got to him and he blurted out 1148. He would have won if he took the crowd's advice. The number of jellybeans in the jar was actually 1138. So close, and no winner was determined.

Meeen Tie Breaker

800px-Owen Luke

Owen Lars tells Luke where he shoud go to practice his drum set.

So once again Meeen had to intervene.  His tie breaker would be a question, and the contestant with the best response would be his new Apprentice.  Meeen asked, "What is your favorite color?"  Darth Beyotch knew he had to wow Meeen with his Sith prowess, so he summoned all of his Dark Side powers, and launched a great burst of Force energy into the night sky which lit up the entire atmosphere a spectacular deep blue.  The studio audience was amazed and greatly impressed, and a huge cheer went up: "Be-yotch!  Be-yotch!  Be-yotch!"  But Meeen silenced the crowd, and nodded toward Darth ChuckMc.  ChuckMc realized, he could not outdo Darth Beyotch, so he ignored the question, and responded, "The DPCI for the Geonosis 2-packs is 087-06-0634!"  There was a moment of stunned silence, followed by Meeen flashing his lightsaber and slicing Darth Beyotch in half.  There followed a deafening roar of approval, and the crowd went wild!  Fans poured onto the stage and lifted ChuckMc on their shoulders and paraded him around the city for hours, bringing him lots of beer and many whores.  After a long night of celebration, Darth ChuckMc reported back to Darth Meeen, and the Rule of Two continued....

Ratings

The competition was an incredible ratings success, with viewership surpassing that of the final episode of M*A*S*H. However, it was never brought back for a second season, and was soon forgotten.

The best part for Darth Meeen was that like most reality shows, it cost next to nothing to make. The proceeds from the show's sponsors filled up the Sith coffers and ensured they would have the credits to fund their eventual takeover of the galaxy. Perhaps there would be some change leftover to build one and a half moon-sized space stations, should that be desireable at some point in the future.

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