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Squat Clemmens

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Squat Clemmens

Squat Clemmens was extremely average.

Squat was an A-Wing pilot for the Rebel Alliance, and nearly flew in the Battle Of Endor. He was a close personal friend to Tycho Celchu and Pager Dirklan.  They saved him from being famous in life.  Afterwards, he managed to be so astoundingly average that he became one of the most remarkable men in the history of the galaxy.

Early Life

Not a whole lot is known about Squat Clemmens. It is believed he was born quietly with little fanfare somewhere in the Expansion Region, but this was only conjecture by his friends Tycho Celchu and Pager Dirklan. Squat didn't speak much about his childhood and life prior to joining the Rebellion. Everyone frigured he had some dark, exciting, devastating, and mysterious past, just like everyone else in the Galaxy. Incredibly, he didn't.

Rebel Alliance

Squat's friends recalled the following conversation with him while on board Home One prior to the Battle of Endor:

While serving on Home One prior to the Rebel Fleet departing for what would become the Battle of Endor, Tycho and Pager learned that Squat was an A-Wing pilot due to a random clerical error. Squat told his friends, "Look, I just go with the flow. Accidents happen. I figured that my life was simple enough, I could probably stand a little action." Confused, his friends asked for clarification. Squat went on, "I have a nice family. I was not orphaned by any genocidal act by the Empire. In fact, I don't really hate the Empire. They're alright, as far as maniacal despotic galactic governments go. They've got a few jerks, but so does the Rebellion. That Skywalker guy is no saint, from what I hear. Whatever. I never had any angst, and I'm too shy to get in any crazy romantic situations. I really just thought I was signing up to play the kloo horn in a pitiful little band called the Rebel Alliance. Heh, who could have guessed a clerical error would put me here? I don't even know what the heck an A-Wing is. It sounds complicated. When this is all over, I'd like to return to my badminton shuttlecock collecting. I have 3 so far. Well, I mean, one is badly mangled, so it's not a very good one. And another might actually be a salt shaker, but I'm not sure. The other is definitely legit though."

Horrified, Tycho and Pager helped their friend fix the problem by going to the appropriate low-ranking staff officer, and getting him out of the fleet before it was too late.

An Average Life

Squat was given a seat on a non-descript shuttle with several other civilians and non-essential personnel which was destined for Corellia. His wasn't even the last shuttle to depart the Fleet, which was fortunate for him since at least wouldn't have a more dramatic story he'd have to tell people. He did not speak to any of his passenger-mates, as he fell asleep for the entire trip. His shuttle landed on Corellia without incident. He got a job in a wind quartet that paid a rather average salary. He painted a bit, but was neither a success nor a flop.

Squat never did see Tycho or Pager again. To the best of his knowledge, Squat never saw a Jedi up close, never knew anybody that was murdered, and never again served in any military capacity. In fact, in another clerical error, his military records were lost, so nobody knew he served. Squat actually forgot about his service eventually, so he never mentioned it, even if he wanted to. He never crossed a bounty hunter, didn't own any droids, never voted, and didn't watch much holonet. As it turned out, he decided to stop collecting shuttlecocks. His collection numbered a very modest one and a half at it's height. Evenutally, he found a nice young lady named Mary Smith, and married her in a quiet ceremony with no witnesses other than the county clerk. They lived a nice quiet life, until Squat died peacefully in his sleep after an average number of years.


The Most Famous Man in the Galaxy!!

800px-Owen Luke

Owen Lars pointing to where Luke should shoot his Red Rider BB Gun.

After his death, Squat became mind-blowingly famous across the galaxy for being one of only a handful of beings that had no Force abilities, did not have his home planet enslaved or destroyed by the Empire, was not an orphan, did not suffer from any romantic tragedies, was not prone to any teenage angst, never wore black as a statement, and never actually met or spoke to a Jedi or Bounty Hunter. He never had any interest in killing Jabba the Hutt and he did not know anyone killed by Luke Skywalker. His life story was so unique, it was told in bestselling books and several holonet movies were made about his average life. Eventually, he became one of the most famous individuals in the history of the New Republic. High ranking officials, senators, military dignitaries and brass, and celebrities make it a point to visit his grave on Corellia. After Luke had re-established the Jedi Order, it became one of the required rites of passage for all padawans to visit Squat's grave, and write a theme on their experiences. Billions of beings of all races visit his grave each year, and it has become the galaxy's most visited tourist spot. Oh the irony! Squat would have handled the situation with near complete indifference.

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