Long before Luke Skywalker became the greatest mass murderer the Galaxy has ever seen, he grew up on Tatooine with his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. He spent most of his time complaining that he had to do actual work instead of hanging out with his friends. This especially annoyed Owen who was just trying to keep the brat from becoming an evil Sith Lord. After purchasing some droids, Owen gave Luke the simple task of cleaning them without letting them slowly wander away. Naturally, Luke failed and had to go chasing after one of them. While he was gone, Owen and Beru were burned alive by Stormtroopers. Luke momentarily showed remorse for the deaths that he clearly caused, then headed off to a bar with Obi-Wan Kenobi. There, Luke came into contact with Han Solo and Chewbacca who tolerated his drama because they were getting paid. Aboard the Death Star, Luke met Princess Leia during a poorly-planned rescue attempt. She pretended to be into him because it beat prison, but she was actually his sister.Due to incredible luck and a poor defensive strategy by the Imperials, Luke was able to blow up the Death Star- slaughtering thousands of Imperials and unfortunate bystanders in the process. This began his transformation from a whiny douchebag to an mass-murdering arrogant prick.
The Tolerable YearsLuke became famous for "single-handedly" defeating the Empire and officially joined Rebel Alliance. A nasty speeder accident required his face to be surgically rebuilt, which probably took his self-confidence down a peg. Han Solo now tolerated Luke a little more since he showed himself to have some skill, but Han managed to keep that ego in check since he was so obviously way cooler than Luke could ever dream of being. The Rebels went into hiding on Hoth, where they were thoroughly routed by Imperial forces. Luke finally learned the important lesson that you can't always win the battle with a lucky shot. Based on something a ghost told him, Luke went off to Dagobah to train with Yoda. Luke tried to act like a big-shot in front of the diminutive Jedi Master, but Yoda's clever use of personal insults and practical jokes not only taught Luke how to use the force, but also made sure that he knew his place. When Luke arbitrarily decided that Han and Leia were being held captive on Cloud City, he ignored Yoda's and Obi-Wan's advice, and flew into an obvious trap. Darth Vader was waiting for him and soundly defeated him, leaving him with significant physical and emotional scars. Following this ass-whoopin', he took to using medical rope.
Return of the SmartassSomehow Luke was able to not only put these troubles behind him, but learn from his mistakes and emerge with enough confidence to talk trash to Jabba the Hutt. Jabba ignored his warnings, and decided to apply some tough love tactics to help improve his attitude. After Luke murdered Jabba's beloved pet Rancor for no reason, Jabba had no choice but to send Luke to the Sarlacc. To the surprise of many, Luke actually backed that ish up and went on a badass killing spree among Jabba's henchmen and hangers-on who had no idea that he was both capable and very willing to kill random people with such little hesitation. The fact that he was able to do this and not fall prey to the Dark Side indicates that he either had an incredibly strong will, or was too dumb to realize how evil and anger-driven his actions were. In any event, the New Republic had to do some serious damage control to repair his image in later years. Having defeated those untrained thugs, Luke decided he'd next go after Darth Vader and The Emperor, who were both powerful Sith Lords. When he tried that same trash-talking approach that had worked for him before, the Emperor shot some freaking lightning out of his fingers and almost killed him. Fortunately, Darth Vader felt sorry for his little jerk son and threw the Emperor down a conveniently-placed bottomless pit. The Emperor, for someone who was otherwise pretty clever, made the questionable decision to have his throne room connect directly to the reactor core. Luke then returned to the Rebels and acted like he deserved to be king or something, despite the fact that he didn't really do anything.
Stuff That Happened After ThatLuke became the new Jedi leader and found a bunch of Jedi that were around- despite the fact that there weren't supposed to be any Jedi left. He founded a school for them and gave an audible "Nuts to that!" when told of the rule against Jedi getting married. Obviously, several of his Jedi became Sith Lords, or at least tried to. He also apparently got married to a chick that was trying to kill him and had some descendants, at least one of whom was a loser.
- Camie Loneozner - Mostly because she felt sorry for him
- Dani the Zeltron - She was kind of slut though
- Shira Brie - Both before and after he "killed" her
- Mara Jade - This one was all but confirmed once Mara's baby didn't look anything like Lando
These are some that he maybe got with, but there's no proof:
- Princess Leia - We can't say it never happened, but we're much more comfortable if it didn't
- Mon Mothma - He was definitely her type, but if it happened, she kept it secret
- Cinda Tarheel - An attempt was made, but it's not clear how far things went
- Winter - This assumes Luke both had and exercised the right of Primae Noctis
These ones were just rumors:
- Auren Yomm - Her husband used to claim this with disturbing pride, but he was a liar
- Rehtul Minnau's mother - Even if Luke could travel through time, this is unlikely
- Admiral Daala - I wouldn't put anything past anyone
- Luke never drank alcohol. This was mostly due to his Uncle Owen's tendency to drink late at night and tell Skywalker things he didn't want to hear, such as, "Look at her, Luke. You wouldn't know it now, but she was the FINEST piece of ass on the entire planet when I met her. Well, I guess there's not much competition. But she had a smoking body, and the kinda face you want to look at while you're screwing, know what I'm saying? Clearly those days are long gone."
- Luke should also not be confused with Juke Skywalker, though he was distantly related to him.
- Luke's list of victims was overwhelmingly extensive. In the end, he was responsible for the deaths of Rebels, Imperials, scum, and innocents alike. A Calendar was even made to commemorate some of his more famous victims.