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Falcon-SAG

The Kessel Run is a rite of passage for young Corellians.

The night before the event, all participants go to the TGIFridays on Kessel and load up on several platters of nachos smothered in jalapenos. The party then moves to the closest dive bar where they each down a half gallon of gin. At the second closest dive bar, they all have to take two rectal shots of whiskey. After that, several Papa John's pizzas are delivered with extra garlic butter dipping sauce which they have to bangshoot. Five beer bongs later, they all must eat a pound of fiber.

The next day, the Kessel Run begins. Each Corellian boards his or her starship, and sets off on the long trek back to Corellia. With their copilot in the driver seat, the participant secures themself in the head and proceeds to clear their bowels, or "Run". In essence, the person who clears the quickest and is thus able to land at the first spaceport afterwards is the winner.

Lando Calrissian was able to make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs on the Millenium Falcon. This was partly due to his installing of a bidet in the commode which he used to quickly flush his system out. When Han Solo boasted about the Falcon doing the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, he was bragging more about its lavatory than its engines. Obi-Wan Kenobi had a slight grin as he heard this, as he knew what the Kessel Run was all about. The young smuggler impressed him none the less.

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