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Darth Misogynous

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Darth Misogynous

Darth Misogynous and his abnormally large left hand.

Darth Misogynous was born and raised on the crappy planet of Zaloriis.  He was pretty comfortable there, and the sparse population allowed him to practice his secret Force powers quietly.  He had read about the Jedi Order, but decided they probably wouldn't approve of his penchant for slapping women upside the head for no apparent reason, so he never bothered to apply for membership.  He excelled at the slapping thing, due to his abnormally large left hand, which really packed a whallop.  Darth worked at the tourist information kiosk in the main population center, which was cleverly named Zaloriis City.  One of his co-workers, Michael Bolton, always told his favorite story about how he visited Coruscant once, and used to tell people to guess what planet he was from, which rhymed with a female body part.  He laughed when remembering the guesses, which were often Aretha, Celeste, Bovary, Mulva, and Dolores.  Nobody ever guessed Zaloriis.  After hearing Bolton tell this story for the 300th time, Darth Force choked him to death.  He tried to calm himself by picking up a magazine featuring bitches from Dathomir.  At that exact moment a mysterious yet dismal fellow walked by the kiosk.  He wore dark hooded robes, and introduced himself as Darth Dismulll.


Sith Apprentice 

800px-Owen Luke

Owen Lars points to a bantha carcass shaped like a clitoris. Luke is bored.

Dismulll explained that he was passing by when he sensed a disturbance in the Force, and decided to check it out because he was looking for an Apprentice.  Darth Misogynous was mildly surprised that this man shared his first name.  Dismulll explained that it was his title, not his name, but was taken aback by the coincidence.  Surely this was the man to be his Apprentice.  He further explained that Sith Apprenticeship included great health benifits, a 401K with matching contributions, and decent vacation time.  Darth Misogynous was interested, so he joined up.  Within weeks, it was clear to Dismulll that Misogynous was going to be a great Sith Lord, so he immediately feared for his own life.  That Rule of Two was going to be the death of him.

Sith Master

Anyway, Misogynous learned that he was actually Dismulll's third Apprentice, after Darth Maltreet and Darth Suck.  Misogynous knew he had very small shoes to fill, so his arrogance grew quickly.  It was soon time to leave Zaloriis, so they headed for the spaceport.  On the way, Misogynous had an urge to pee real bad, so despite Dismulll's protests, he dropped trou in an alley and let loose.  While relieving himself, he witnessed a bizarre event.  Dismulll approached a stray dog, all the while saying "You look just like my sweet Ass!"  For reasons unknown to Misogynous, the dog suddenly looked towards him and freaked out a bit, which startled Dismulll into accidentally discharging some of that Sith Lightning he had yet to learn about.  The angered dog took a bite of Dismulll's crotch and ran off.  Dismulll was weeping uncontrollably.  Something about a dog ass.  He didn't get it, but vowed to look up Dismulll's history on Banthapedia.  Then Dismulll died from grief.  Mysogynous thought this was asinine.  This Sith Lord, while admittedly mediocre at best, simply died because he haz a sad!  Weak!  Misogynous was about to quit the Sith Order (he was the only member at this point) but he liked his snazzy black hoody robe too much.  So he declared himself a Sith Master, emptied out Dismulll's pockets of all his credits and other valuables (while discarding a spatula he found in Dismulll's inside pocket), and headed off to find an apprentice fo his own.

Rule of Two Prevails

Darth Misogynous was happy to be living alone, because he really wasn’t a big fan of the hallowed Sith tradition of the Apprentice slaying the Master at some inconvenient time. So Misogynous devoted years to the study of eternal life. He made a great discovery with which, although not quite providing him with eternal life, struck unintentional comedic gold. He learned how to age backwards. With this brilliant stroke, Misogynous could now predict the exact date of his own death. He was comfortable that this knowledge would circumvent any need for an apprentice to murder him unpleasantly. So Misogynous, in a lucky break for the Sith, decided to keep up the Rule of Two tradition and find an apprentice. He decided to select his apprentice in the year 300 BBY because he figured this number would be easy for kids to remember when taking exams. This is actually kind of ridiculous, since there was no way in hell Misogynous could possibly know what “300 BBY” was, but Misogynous was quite gifted, and frankly, pretty underrated as a Sith Lord.

Anyway, he found his man in fallen Jedi Ching-Ming Wah. You might think Wah was Asian, but he was actually part Bostonian and part Corellian. (Hey, it’s a modern galaxy, who are you to judge?) Wah supposedly left the Order because Jedi Knight Pea-Tear Gryphon pantsed him in the Temple Men’s room, revealing to everyone that Wah had three testicles. Long story short, he possessed all the tools (including the third ball) to become a great Sith, so Misogynous was content.   He named Wah Darth Graz, for reasons that are not entirely clear to anyone but Misogynous and Graz, and that's all that really mattered when you get right down to it.

Darth Misogynous studied the Dark Arts each night before going to bed. Since he was the Master, he could go to bed whenever the hell he wanted, which often was very late. Eventually, his mastery of the "Force Baby" powers caused him to become a child, then a baby, then a fetus, and finally an embryo. He then split apart and died in 281 BBY, which unfortunately wasn't an easy date to remember.  He was survived by his Apprentice, Darth Graz, to carry on the Sith tradition.

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