Darth Felchus

Even angry Sith love nachos. Happy monkeys are just annoying.

Darth Felchus was a Sith Lord, originally apprenticed to Darth Tare. He was generally lazy, and only fulfilled his destiny as a Sith - killing his master and taking his place - because Darth Tare threatened to take away his ship. He was not the most capable or motivated Sith apprentice, but compared to Darth Tare's first two apprentices - Darth Flajjilaaaaate and Darth Powerbottom - he was a dynamo. His early successes were mainly due to two qualities: his uncanny ability to find the easy way to do something (why duel with lightsabers when you can just blow someone up with a thermal detonator?) and the fact that he didn't come on to his master.

Childhood fun and games

Darth Felchus was born Honky Keelstrut, on the planet Dantooine. He was Force-sensitive, which drew the attention of the Jedi Order. However, when they sent representatives to take the young Keelstrut from his family, he uttered his first words: "Screw that!" Rebuffed, the Jedi left the child with his family but kept a watchful eye on him to make sure he did not fall to the Dark Side of the Force. His parents, not wanting him to know the future he almost had, decided not to tell him about his Force sensitivity.

As he grew older, his Force abilities began to manifest themselves, sometimes even without his knowing. He became particularly adept at using Jedi Mind Tricks. Once, when his father told him to mow the lawn, he shouted back "no, YOU mow the lawn!" accompanied with a dismissive wave of his hand. To his surprise, his father went outside and began mowing the lawn. At school, after receiving a low grade on a test, he told his teacher that he thought he deserved an A. His teacher immediately agreed, and young Keelstrut knew he was onto something. He began to use his new abilities to get better grades, higher allowance, dates with hot chicks, and free Slurpees.

In time, his appetite grew wider than youthful goals like chicks and grades. Well, chicks were still a goal, but he took it up a notch and used his power to get all the way to third base. Hey, it was Dantooine - he led a sheltered life. He discovered other powers as well, using the Force to hotwire landspeeders and go Bantha tipping. The Jedi had watched this with growing concern, and finally decided that it was time to put a stop to such mischief before he began to slide further toward the Dark Side. They paid him a second visit just a few days after his eighteenth birthday. They pleaded with him to stop misusing the Force, and even offered to send him to the Jedi Agriculture Corps to help him focus and control his abilities. "Today it may be using the Force to steal beer and lift women's skirts," said one of the Jedi, "but tomorrow it could be choking enemies and inciting rebellions."

Keelstrut's response was "You can do that?" He then ran out the door, and was not heard from for several months, until he was discovered by Darth Tare.

The Dark Side comes a'callin

Darth Tare was in need of a new apprentice. His first two had been a complete wash. He went to one of the lower levels of Taris to investigate a disturbance in the Force, hoping that it meant a potential new apprentice. He traced the disturbance to a brothel where a couple of Twilek whores were teaching Honky Keelstrut that there was in fact a fourth base, as well as a fifth, sixth, and seventh. Tare was impressed by the power the young man wielded in the Force, and also by the fact that Keelstrut was obviously not into dudes, like the last apprentice was.

Darth Tare trained his new apprentice in the Dark Side, and at first young Keelstrut - now called Darth Felchus - was a swift learner. Over time, however, Felchus began to lose interest in his lessons. At first, Tare thought this was a sign that his eager apprentice was getting ready to fulfill his Sith destiny and challenge his Master. But time went on and the challenge never came. Tare even began to drop hints, like telling stories about how he defeated his own master, Darth Creatine, and leaving copies of Darth Bane's motivational holocron "How to kill friends and defeat your Sith Master" lying around where Felchus would see them. But this had no effect on the apprentice. Finally, Darth Tare confronted his apprentice directly, demanding to know when Felchus planned to destroy him and take his place. "Why would I want to do that? Then I'd have to be the Master, and that's just too much work," was the reply. Enraged, Darth Tare attacked his apprentice, deciding that he would just have to start over with a new one. But even though Felchus was not highly motivated, he was also not suicidal. He fought back, and the battle ended in a stalemate.

Over the years, Tare would try to force the issue by attacking his apprentice every now and then, but each time Darth Felchus held his own. But Felchus never fought hard enough to defeat his master, only hard enough not to be killed. After about 20 years of this, in a fit of exasperation, Darth Tare threatened not to let Felchus use the Sith shuttle on Friday night, saying that if Felchus didn't attack his master, he didn't deserve to use the Sith space ship. Felchus, imagining his humiliation when he showed up in town in a rented starship, lost his cool and killed his Master with a single lightsaber stroke. As he felt the rush of power from having killed his master, it dawned on him that now he was responsible for maintaining the Sith Order. Goddammit.

"Now I am the Master"

Felchus began his search for an apprentice, and in the Old Republic year 24,336 he finally settled on a promising young Dashade named Pout Chesapeake. Felchus lured the young man with promises of exciting adventures, high pay, and a great dental plan. Only when Darth Cheww was fully corrupted did he learn that the Sith dental plan sucked, with high copays, X-rays only covered every three years, and a ridiculously low annual cap on benefits. This betrayal was fresh in Cheww's mind years later, when he finally defeated Darth Felchus and took his place as Master.

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