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Dismull

Dismull before the Dark Side took hold.

Darth Dismulll was a Sith Lord.  He was very impatient, and wanted very badly to take the Sith public after centuries of secrecy.  He felt qualified to be the Sith Master who could conquer the Jedi and rule the Galaxy, with his apprentice at his side.

Early Life

There's a word for Blee Fargosa's early life on the ball-freezing planet Croatia.  It could be boring, cheerless, dark, depressing, desolate, despondent, dim, dingy, disagreeable, discouraging, disheartening, dispiriting, doleful, dull, forlorn, funereal, hopeless, joyless, lonesome, lugubrious, melancholy, miserable, monotonous, morbid, murky, oppressive, somber, sorrowful, unfortunate, or unhappy. Blee was a travelling antifreeze salesman, and his only friend was his dog, Ass. One day, Blee's main sales rival Treefart McGee decided that a good way to take Blee down was to send him spiraling into an unrecoverable depression by murdering Ass. So he did, by feeding Ass some antifreeze one night. When Blee awoke, he was griefstricken, and held Ass's body close while he screamed in agony. The emotion blew out all the windows and then knocked down all the walls to Blee's house. After only a few minutes of exposure, his balls began to freeze.

Blee's neighbor, Bruce Nutback, showed up, brought Blee back to his house, and cuddled with him until he recovered. Bruce told Blee the only way he could get closure would be to kill McGee. Blee wasn't interested, so Bruce told him the whole story. Bruce was in fact Sith Lord Darth Fagan, and he wanted Blee as an apprentice. He said that he realized Blee was strong with the Force after his grief and anger blowed up his own house. He said that if he murdered McGee, his training would be complete. Blee was okay with this, as it seemed pretty logical, so he killed McGee, and his training was complete.

Fagan annointed Blee as Darth Dismulll. Blee thought this was pretty neat, but asked Fagan why he couldn't just be Darth "Dismal". Fagan explained that taking a nasty sounding word and changing the spelling a bit was some time-tested strategery that helped keep the Sith's existence a secret. This made perfect sense to Blee, who had never known of the Sith's existence.

Sith Apprenticeship

At first Dismulll and his master Darth Fagan were good friends, and after long days of plotting to rule the Galaxy and setting bunnies on fire, they would snuggle and have s'mores.  One day Dismulll had found the newest wave of Battlestar Galactica action figures and excitedly told Fagan.  However, Fagan was too busy roasting marshmallows and having pillow fights with his androgenous neighbors.  After repeatedly attempting to gain Fagan's attention, Dismull was getting really annoyed.  So in true "Rule of Two" fashion, Dismulll murdered Fagan.  Fagan barely noticed, which infuriated Dismulll to no end.  The fury flowed through Dismulll and made him powerful, if not particularly intelligent or patient.

Sith Master v1.0

In any case, Dismulll now needed an apprentice, so he found and trained a promising young man on Bestine IV named Smick Fang.  After an intense training period that lasted about 3 hours and included a short written exam followed by an obstacle course and wrapped up with a hot dog eating contest, Fargosa was given the Sith name of Darth Maltreet.  Maltreet was competent and skilled.  Dismulll knew he had to act fast in his attempt to take over the Galaxy, before Maltreet surpassed his powers and killed him.  Dismulll made several attempts to rise up with Maltreet, but each plan was poorly conceived and failed miserably.  There's more detail, but in the end, it would just be a lot of words, and since the plans came to nothing, there's really no point.  Anyway, Dismall decided to take Maltreet on a trip to Dathomir to visit the famous bitches there and clear their minds.  On their way, they had to make a layover at Kansas.  It was in the Kansas Spaceport where Maltreet suffered a somewhat embarrassing accidental death leaving Dismulll with little choice but to quickly find a new apprentice.

Sith Master v2.0

Yay! the Idiot was nearby looking for a bag of poo, when Dismulll grabbed him and took him on the shuttle to Dathomir.  Yay! was the worst Sith Apprentice ever.  All he did was say, "Yay!" and drool a lot.  He wasn't fit to take the test.  Completely blind with rage at his misfortune, Dismulll made a Sithly breach of etiquette by accidentally naming the fool "Darth Suck", subsequently making Yay! an official member of the Sith Lord line.  Realizing there were no backsies, Dismulll had no choice but to murder his brand new apprentice by airlocking him out of the shuttle.

Sith Master v3.0

Darth Dismulll

Darth Dismulll after being bitten in the Crotch by an Ass lookalike.

Dismulll moped around a bit for a few weeks, until he found Darth Misogynous on Zaloriis, a planet almost as dismal as Croatia.  Misogynous was strong with the Force, but due to the remoteness of Zaloriis, he was not discovered by the Jedi Order.  Misogynous probably wouldn't have fit in with the Jedi, because he hated seeing women in positions of power.  Although he would have liked to fondle women contestants in a contest such as Miss Jedi Temple, he would not have appreciated the fact that his fondling would have resulted in his peepee being chopped off by a lightsaber.  In any case, he was checking out a magazine featuring some bitches from Dathomir in a kisok in Zaloriis City when Dismulll saw him.  Dismulll sensed the Force in him, and struck up some small talk about the bitches of Dathomir.  Not only was he strong in the force, but he was clearly an angsty jerk, and this was promising.  Dismulll asked him his name, and he said, "Darth Misogynous".   This was perfect, because the not so clever Dismulll didn't have to come up with a Sithy name for him.  Misogynous was a pretty smart guy, and Dismulll knew that this would be a good partner in taking over the Galaxy, so he took him as his apprentice.

Death and Legacy

800px-Owen Luke

Owen Lars points to the twin suns, which look like Darth Dismulll's nearly frozen balls

As they were walking to the Zaloriis City spaceport, Misogynous really had to go to the bathroom.  Dismulll told him to hold it, and that they'd be at the spaceport shortly.  As they walked, they saw a lonely looking dog sulking in an alley.  He looked just like Dismulll's former loyal companion, Ass!  He was overcome with emotion, and approached the stray dog.  Dismulll was successfully earning the dog's trust, when suddenly the dog freaked out because he Darth Misogynous urinating on the wall.  A startled Dismulll accidentally shot a bit of Force Lightning and hit the dog in the ass.  The now frenzied dog bit Dismulll in the crotch and ran away.  Dismulll was too overcome with a renewed sense of grief that he couldn't gather himself to heal his wound, which really was pretty minor.  He died in the Alley within minutes.  A stunned Mysogynous couldn't believe what happened.  The bite barely broke the skin.  He realized that Dismulll was simply heartbroken and lost the will to live.  Misogynous thought this was stupid, and figured if a great Sith Lord could die like that, there really was no point to the whole Sith thing.  He was going to give it all up and go back home, but fortunately for the Sith legacy, he liked his new snazzy dark robe too much to give it up.

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