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Chuck Steak

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250px-Unknownhenchman

Chuck could have sworn Jabab the Hutt was a fat Irish guy last time he saw him.

Chuck Steak was a bearded guy in Jabba's Entorage.

Early Life

Chuck Steak was born and raised on the planet Tatooine. He grew up just north of the Dune Sea, the son of a Moisture Farmer. Unlike his brothers, Chuck was never able to pick up the skills to farm. In fact, he had no skills and was kinda stupid. The only thing Chuck was ever good at was driving a Landspeeder. He could maneuver like nobody's business, and shift a pattern or two.

Gilda

The only woman for miles around was Gilda Cohen. Since the pickings were slim, Chuck started banging her. One night though, Gilda was at his door demanding to speak to him. "I'm pregnant," she announced. Chuck hemmed and hawed, but his dad insisted he make this right. Despite there being less than ten people in a 20 mile radius, Gilda made it the biggest wedding of the hemisphere. Chuck's credit cards were completely maxed out, and his Landspeeder was pawned just to pay for her veil. She even hired the Bacon Brothers to provide entertainment. The good ones, not the local Bacon Brothers.

Work for Jabba

Gilda

Gilda Cohen, Mrs. Steak.

With a pregnant new bride, Chuck had to act fast and make some money. He was too big to be a Jawa, and too articulate to be a Tusken (barely), so that only left being a thug for Jabba The Hutt. Chuck found a tiny shoebox in the college disctrict of Mos Eisley for he and Gilda to move into, and went to work every morning looking tough and helping Jabba get through doorways.

Big Day at the Cantina

Time moved pretty quickly while working for Jabba, but there is one day where everything in Chuck's life changed and time seemed to stop. Rumor had it that Han Solo was on the planet, and he had made a big ol' booboo with some of Jabba's merchandise. Jabba liked the cocky pilot for some reason, but definitely wanted "a word with him" before he left Tatooine. First place to look was the Cantina, and sure enough Han was there. But so was Boela and Gela Yeens, two other employees of Jabba's. Chuck also spotted Greedo. No, there's Greedo. Wait, there's three Greedos in there. Chuck couldn't tell the difference. And then he saw Gilda, drinking in the Cantina. Chuck could feel his face redden as he stomped over to her stool, pushing the drink away from her lips.

"What are you doing?!"

"I need to have fun once and awhile too."

"Not at the expense of our unborn child!"

Gilda sighed, "You idiot. I'm not pregnant!"

"What?!"

"It's been five years since I told you I was pregnant. How stupid do you have to be to not get it?"

Chuck had never hit a woman, and he wasn't about to start. So instead he turned around and punted the Jawa standing near him right into the wall. "Bitch!" is all he could get out, and then he circled around to the other side of the bar by Gela and Boelo. "What was that about?" Gela inquired. Before Chuck could tell Gela to mind his own business, there was a stupid kid trying to come into the Cantina with two droids. Wuher told him where to go, and Chuck thought to himself, "And I'm the idiot?"

The Han Solo Situation

Gela and Boelo discussed what to do about the Han Solo situation, while Chuck gave his best stink eye in Gilda's direction. That's when two sleazebags provoked an old man to whip out a lightsaber and go to town on them. Gela and Chuck exchanged wide eyed glances. Chuck grabbed Danz Borin's drink, downed it, then announced, "I uh, I gotta go pee." "I'll alert the holonet," Boelo came back. Chuck paused. "Why?" "I'm being sarcastic, idiot. I don't care what you're doing." Chuck still didn't get it, but his back teeth were floating so he ran to the pissoir. While going, he realized he must have been holding it for several hours as it was a monumental pee. He had time to read almost all of the phone numbers scrawled on the wall before it was time to shake drops. When Chuck stepped back into the main area, he was just in time to see Han Solo blast Greedo at the booth he was sitting in. Or at least, it looked like Greedo. Man, how do you tell? Boelo grabbed Chuck by the sleeve and yanked him outside. They had to tell Jabba, and they had to tell him before Solo got away. As they exited, Chuck glanced over his shoulder to see Gilda fondling Takeel's inner thigh. She smiled and waved at Chuck, and he knew he HAD to get off this dustball. Little did he know it would be the last time he ever saw Gilda.

Ish Or Get Off The Pot

768px-Jabbathehutt94

Half a Greedo, Chuck's arm, Han Solo, Jabba The Hutt, Gela, another Greedo, and if you don't know that guy then you're on the wrong site.

Chuck accompanied Jabba and the others to Docking Bay 94, actually getting the giant slug's fat ass through the door and up to the Millenium Falcon before Solo even got close. As Han and the Hutt discussed their nonsense, Chuck started to form a plan. Everyone in the room was transfixed on Solo and Jabba, except Boba Fett. He was the only one who seemed to take everything in. Or maybe he didn't, it was hard to tell what the hell that guy was looking at. Could he even see out that thing? Probably blind from all the sweat dripping down on his eyes. Any ventilation in that helmet? Anyway, if he could avoid Fett's watchful gaze, Chuck knew he was home free. As Jabba and his cronies started filing out of the docking bay, Chuck made sure he was last. Fett of course insisted Chuck go first out the door, but then Chuck saw the bathroom entrance next to the exit. "Oh, hey, look, I gotta lay some cable, you know? I'll catch up." "I don't mind waiting," Fett replied. A little exasperated, Chuck said, "No really, I had some Chinese food, and I think it's gonna be one of those ten minute wiping sessions, you know?" "That happens to me as well." "Ah, nice. Good to meet people with common interests," was all Chuck could think to say. Fett just stared at Chuck for a moment. Chuck nervously smiled, "So, uh, I'll catch up..." "As you wish...idiot."

Stowaway

And he stepped out the door. Chuck took a few baby-steps towards the toilet, and then dashed across the bay to hide behind some boxes. Chewbacca and Han Solo finished their conversation, and then went into the ship. Chuck snuck his way to the boarding ramp, taking a peek. He couldn't see or hear anyone, so he made his way slowly up into the ship. Once inside, he could hear Han and Chewbacca talking in the cockpit area, so he went back to the engine room. There, he found a supply closet stocked with completely unused cleaning products. Chuck looked around, seeing the condition of the ship, and knew that Han would never find him in there. He crammed himself inside. The combination of the fumes and the rocking of the ship sent Chuck deep into Sleepytown.

Rebellion

CrixMadine

General Crix Madine

Chuck startled awake, with a killer headache. He burst out of the supply closet, then remembered where he was. He drew his blaster just in case, but no one was around. He made his way to, and then down the boarding ramp. There was a huge commotion outside with lots of hugging and shouting. He holstered his weapon and walked out of the ship. After looking around a bit, he realized he was on one of the moons of Yavin. He had no clue where that was, but it was pretty damn far from Tatooine, Jabba The Hutt, and Gilda Cohen, that was for sure. As the people in the hangar bay continued their celebration, Chuck went upstairs to the pilots’ quarters. He found some clothes belonging to Jek Porkins that more or less fit him, and changed into them, as well as shaving his beard off. When he came back down, he saw Solo and the kid from the Cantina walking with Chewbacca to a large room. Chuck followed to witness them receiving medals, and he realized how badly he'd love to get one of those things. Especially from the lady handing them out, my God!

The Further Adventures of Chuck Steak, Rebel Hero

Chuck was able to continue staying amidst the Rebels as one of their own, until he actually became what he was pretending to be. He was quickly realized to be one of themost capable speeder pilots in the entire Alliance, and served as General Madine's personal escort/attaché. When assisting Madine on stealing an Imperial Shuttle, Chuck was able to access Imperial records and add Gilda Cohen's name and address to a list of known Rebel agents. It was the least he could do. During the Battle of Endor, Chuck stayed with Madine, which meant he was there, but didn't really do anything. Unfortunately Madine did not allow him to attend the Ewok Village festivites. When he heard about what he missed from Hollweg Odius, he was quite disappointed.

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